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Summer Struggles

Reflections of a Recovering Control Freak

Credit: Frozen by Walt Disney Pictures

I have a hard time letting go. Oftentimes, there's a nagging little voice in the back of my mind stirring up doubt.

Are you making the right choice? 

Are you doing everything you possibly can to ensure the optimal outcome? 

What if something goes horribly wrong and it's all your fault? 

While this voice may present itself as an advocate for my self-interests, it can have a nasty tendency of holding me back. In an effort to eliminate any liability for making the 'wrong' decisions, it is often easiest to simply avoid stepping up to challenges and opportunities that come my way. The emotional reasoning is rather straightforward: if I simply opt out of anything for which I can't ensure a positive outcome with near perfect certainty, nothing bad can happen, right? Not quite. This premise falls apart when considering the fact that life is inherently risky and uncertain, and that every decision has a collection of trade-offs. And although fear may tell me otherwise, 'opting out' of a challenge comes with its own set of disadvantages - namely the development of potentially crippling indecision, self-doubt, and regret.

Perhaps the area of my life where this is the most relevant is public speaking. Every time some opportunity to present my work comes up, that nagging voice of doubt starts speaking up. And while I'm generally confident in my communication skills, it's very easy for me to start listening to that voice that tells me to be afraid of everything.

What if you freeze during your presentation?

What if you blurt something inappropriate out while you're speaking?

WHAT IF YOU SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST!?!?!?

And while I could engage in a mental debate with this voice all day, actions typically speak louder than words when it comes to managing fear. While fear would tell you that opting out to avoid negative outcomes is the 'safe' option, opting in for the positive outcomes is what ultimately makes the voice of self doubt more quiet in the long run.

I've gradually been coming to the realization that many life circumstances (or perhaps even most of them) are well beyond my control. If I tried to explain this to myself just a year ago, I would have found such an idea legitimately terrifying. But through the process of acceptance, I've come to find this reality rather liberating. I used to hold the belief that unless I had complete control of a situation, terrible things could happen (and for the anxious mind, could and would are synonymous). What I now realize, though, is that not having control gives me permission to devote my mental energy to the only thing I can control - how I handle myself and my circumstances in the present. For me, this simple idea completely shifted my perspective on how I approach life. With public speaking in particular, I try to remind myself that while I can't control exactly how nervous I'll be during a future presentation, I can always choose to push any fears aside, step up to the opportunity, and see what I can gain from the experience, regardless of what happens.

You Can't Change the Weather

The winds begin to howl,

Yet for this night owl,

The pressure to be a morning fowl

Just makes me scowl.

Deep breath, body relaxes.

Don't worry about taxes,

Just watch as the moon waxes.

But alas, clouds leave the moon obscured.

How absurd

But rest assured,

In the past you have endured.

My mind begins to wander,

And ponder

Just how much time I squander.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Refocus that doubt,

For now is not the time to work out

The problems that make you pout.

Finally on the verge of sleep

Not a peep or a beep

And I'm done counting sheep.

Suddenly, a quick jerk!

Have I gone berserk?

Nah, but it does irk

Because in the morning I have work.

The clouds have grown ominous

I lie in bed with somnolence

Yet to be honest,

My mind is just obnoxious.

It's always darkest before the dawn, I yawn

...Said the moron

Who also couldn't sleep early on.

A crack of thunder

Like the sky is about to sunder.

And I wonder,

When I will slumber?

On the verge of losing my mind,

Yet I find that the storm left behind

Clouds that are silver-lined. 

Outside is silent, 

Leaving a peaceful climate

The moon with a halo quite vibrant.

Overthinking

Easy Task

 Overthinking an Easy Task

Hopeful: Sharpie (black and silver)